Emotions

It's apparently been a while since I took the time to blog. That's because I've been doing exactly what everyone else's been doing-dealing with life. AND along with life comes emotions. Emotions are tied to everything. They are both a blessing and a curse, depending on if you're an optimist or a pessimist. Through the past two months, I've been both.

To let you a little inside my world, I'll share a few of these experiences. Not all of them, because I want to end on an enlightening note, but I feel like people need a small basis for learning.

The last 60 days have been less than kind to me. I've seen every one of my dreams melt away one by one until I have felt like there are none left to dream about. Let me say that my ambitions are not unhealthy or unsurreal. I have a level head on my shoulders and dream only of righteous and wholesome accomplishments. Some of my lifelong aspirations include: a large family complete with sons and daughters, according to the commandment of the Lord; using my talents to spread the gospel; visiting the Church History sites; achieving financial freedom by getting out of debt and many other small ambitions. They are good and whole. They are small in a world's sense, but they are very much my lifelong goals. They have all come within my reach, wagging themselves before my face and then one by one, I have seen every last one dissolve into a pool of tears.

We have struggled financially for our entire married lives. We live within our means and do everything we can in order to avoid unnecessary debts. We were so close to reaching a milemarker in our journey when, in January, my husband was laid off leaving us without insurance, pay and means to achieve our goal, forcing us backwards.

I have yearned for daughters my whole life. In a blessing I was promised daughters. Yet, after my third son the doctor advised me to never get pregnant again due to some post-delivery complications. The desire has increased immensely in the past four or five months. Two weeks after our lay-off, my best friend delivered a beautiful tiny daughter. I've never seen anything so tiny and fragile in my whole life! Yet, she has frightened me and shattered my heart into a thousand pieces. It took me 30 minutes to compose myself enough to just enter the hospital room then I sat and cried for an hour after. The next day I purchased fabric to make her a quilt and literally sobbed with every stitch that went into it. Each needle point was as a dagger to my broken heart. I finished it. Now, three weeks later, I can finally hold her, but the pain is still so very real and still exists. It hurts so very, very bad.

I was so very excited when I found the opportunity to go on a Church History tour this summer, sharing the gospel through music and making a difference to those saints back east. My heart soared with joy and unexplainable bliss when this discovery was made. I eagerly signed up, created a budget which would allow me to go and found solutins to make this dream a reality. When the final list was sent back to me and my name was not chosen as one to go, I sobbed at the wall...for over an hour...Then I picked myself up and got into the shower and cried for another 20 minutes in there, where no one could see me and my tears would blend in with the water. Once again, for the umpteenth time in less than two months, I was shattered.

These are only three of the hundreds of heartaches I have recently felt. These are the freshest on my mind and possibly the ones that most people can relate to. There are so many, many more which I'll not bore the world with. So, why am I telling you all the secrets to my heart? When I'm such a closed book, why put my heart out on the table? Therapy, maybe. Hoping to explain and redeem my actions, possibly. But most of all, with the hope to inspire another.

My pains are still very real and my feelings are still very raw. I am still struggling to deal with each of my trials. But, I have learned something through it all. I have not found solutions to any of my problems. But I have made one of the most important discoveries in all the world: emotions.

I feel like the world has a misconception of emotions. We are taught by the world to hold them in and that they are bad, but I contradict that perspective. We are given emotions by the Lord. Our bodies were created with feelings and emotions for a reason. If we are sad, it's okay to feel sad. If we are angry, it's okay to be angry. If we are happy or upset or shattered or nervous or scared or confused or worried then it's okay. The Lord blessed us with these feelings and wants us to feel and use them for our benefit. Even Jesus, himself, was documented to be angry when cleansing the temple, sad when His good friend, Lazarus died, happy when He blessed the children and confused when left alone in the Garden. We have these emotions to express ourselves, to discover the world around us, to face realities and deal with our trials. Emotions are healthy. How we handle them is where we get into trouble.

For example, I truly feel upset, sad, confused and angry. These are real feelings. I feel them. They are a part of me and my life. But I cannot dwell on them. I must pull myself out of the dark abyss and reach for the light and truth that brings me happiness. I need to find ways to overcome and not use my emotions to spite. Because I feel anger, I have no right to hurt others. Because I feel sadness, I have no right to bring others down. Because I feel joy, I have no right to rub it in others' faces. I must recognize the true and right emotion, face it, go through it and overcome it, for through facing sadness we discover true joy. Through enduring anger we find peace. Through pain we revel in relief. Through confusion we find hope.

I am facing much right now. I feel so many negative emotions. And it is okay. I will conquer my fears and move on. I will arise bigger and better than I was before. I will overcome and in time the Lord's will and purpose will be revealed to me. But for now I must feel. That is what I hope to portray and teach others through this long and lengthy and very personal post. The steps for facing emotions include:

1. Identify your true emotion (anger/sadness/confusion are very close together and often mistaken for one another as are joy/contentment/pleasure)
2. Allow yourself to feel them.
3. Talk with someone (including the Lord) through the emotion, holding nothing back.
4. Move on. Do not dwell on them. Pick up the pieces and put them back together.

I pray that this post isn't all in vain. Perhaps it'll influence and inspire someone. Hopefully it'll answer someones prayer. Maybe it'll only provide me with a source of cheap therapy to move on with my life. But whatever it may be and however it may influence, I have learned to draw closer to the Lord and rediscovered the marvel and creation of our bodies. The Lord does love us and our emotions are directly connected with His, for He feels and endures the our emotions with us.

This much I know is true.