Strong Too Long: Applying The Atonement in My Life

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I'm a pretty strong person.  In fact, my name means "Noble Strength".  I've tried really hard every day of my life to live up to my name.  Once in a while, though, I wish my parents had called me something that means "big, fat sissy-wimp".  Would've been much easier to live up to.

I normally keep my personal life very private and secured.  But something is different today.  I woke up early this morning with a deep prompting that I need to publicly open up this page in my life in order to help someone.  Perhaps sharing this experience is only for me and my need to finalize my healing process.  Perhaps it's for you or for someone you know.  Perhaps it's just because.  I don't know.  But, I learned long ago, if the Lord asks...then do it.  So, I am.

My life has been a very, very difficult climb.  I've just about survived it all.  You name it, I've seen it.  I have walked through the scriptural "refiners fire" over and over and over again.  Since the day I was baptized at age eight, my life has been one long, uphill battle.  One I was determined to conquer.  One I am determined to win.  My strategy?  I've become very good at holding my head up, seizing the day, counting my blessings and all the other little things we're told to do.  If something is hard, I simply tell myself, "I can do this."  And then I can.  I am pretty much a pro at optimism.

But this has been a hard, hard, hard, hard summer.

Now, I'd rather not give out too many actual personal details.  It will not do you or me or anyone else any good for the world to know exactly what has happened in my life.  This story is not about "those details".   This story is about the ending.  Therefore "those details" would only hinder the tale, distract from the purpose. 

Just know that, after years and years and years of remaining strong through disappointment after bitter disappointment, trial after pain-filled trial, emotional blows from family and friends and strangers and what-nots, each leaving behind many, MANY unanswered questions (which, I believe, is ALWAYS what hurts the deepest) and then exerting the energy to rise every time to meet each challenge directly in the face with pure love and forgiveness, at one point late this spring, one final massive heartache knocked me completely off my optimistic platform.  Emotionally, I was mortally wounded. 

I've often asked "Why this time?"  "What's so different about this circumstance?".  Truth is, it was not exactly the hardest thing I'd ever faced!  Not by a LONG shot!  I've come to the conclusion that I actually think I've been an emotional time-bomb waiting to explode for a long, long time now.  I believe that for years and years, things have just piled and piled and piled up and, finally, the last proverbial straw just broke the camel's back...and shattered it's heart...and dissipated it's deepest hopes, allowing the pain from all the other disappointments from over the years to seep in and do the same.  The results were a very confused, very, very shaken little girl.

For six months, I lived with a heart shredded into a thousand unfitted pieces.  I would wake in the morning with painful tears of sorrow.  I would crawl in bed each night weeping.   The hours before dawn were spent with uneasy rest, unfit dreams.  I could not shake this misery and pain of loss and disappointment.  I began to put stock in the feelings of discouragement, of failure, of incapability, of fear that were so very, readily available.

Through many priesthood blessings (given by my amazing husband), I was given beautiful promises of peace and of comfort and of hope, reflecting what I knew the Lord could give so freely, but my darkly-clouded mind wouldn't allow my heart to grasp them.  The confusion in my heart created many sleepless nights.  I dove into the scriptures, spent hours on my knees, read and listened to General Conference talks, recorded my testimony, searched for forgiveness, extended forgiveness, surrounded myself with things of the Spirit.  I researched and tried to come up with solutions and answers to the many questions that overtook my mind and did everything spiritually I possibly could, still I could feel nothing but despair.  My mind became a constant tug-of-war between having faith in that which I had been promised and the desire to simply give up.  I tried hard to stay afloat, but I was sinking...and fast.  Perhaps I had already sunk.  I was in trouble and I knew it.  But what else could be done? 

This went on for six months.

Early one evening, upon spending yet another evening of confusion, my face drenched with tears, I once again found myself on my knees praying through my weakness.  For what seemed like the trillionth time, I poured my soul to Heavenly Father.  I told Him once again of my suffering, of my confusion, of all my heartaches and my pains and my fears, of my failures, of my feelings of neglect and inadequacies, of every circumstance of all my life and of my desire to overcome.  I repeated nearly word for word exactly what I had told Him for months now about my desire to move on and embrace life for what it was, but that somehow I just couldn't.  I spoke softly.  I spoke loudly.  I got angry.  I got repentant.  I talked to Him like I would talk to my brother or my husband or my own father.  I spoke openly until I had absolutely nothing more to say.

And then I stopped.

And I thought. 

And as I did, I saw (or actually rather somehow felt) a tunnel of light into my soul.  I did.  It channeled into my heart and spoke the words " the atonement".

Now, I knew all about the atonement.  I knew how our Savior, Jesus Christ, had suffered for our sins and the mistakes of this world.  I knew how He could make wrong things right and redeem all mankind who sought after His grace.  I knew He gave to all men.  I knew this with all my heart!  I had a burning testimony of the Lord and the power of repentance.  But this was different.  I had nothing to repent of!  I had nothing that needed change!  I just simply needed help. 

Again, I felt the word "atonement" spoken.

Not once, not one time, had I ever thought that I could turn this excruciating anguish, this field of oppression, this hollow existence over to Him to carry.  But I remember praying to our Heavenly Father through very clenched teeth, "Father, please!  I've done literally everything I can do.  I've looked inside, I've looked outside and I have found nothing more that I am capable of.  I cannot do anything about this.   I have tried.  I have loved.   I have forgiven.  I have a life to live and I want to live it as Thou hast designed me to.  Please, Father.  I can do no more!"  And with that, sobbing and weeping, I remember uttering the begging words, "Jesus, my dear Savior!  Please take this from me.  I'm turning this over to You.  I have nothing more that I can do."  I prayed for a long, long time in this manner.

I don't even remember closing my prayer.  I fell asleep.  (Somehow I ended up on my pillow.  I'm sure it was my wonderful, incredible husband who loved me enough to lay me there and tuck me in.)  Still, I slept.  And I slept all night with no nightmares or uneasy dreams.  But, in my mind (or rather in my heart) I could almost see my Savior walking away, down a long dusty road, carrying the load that was once mine.  And He never looked back.  It wasn't a "dream" or a "vision", per say.  It was just simply a visual thought in my heart.

The next morning, I discovered that I still did not have any information.  I still did not have any knowns about the unknown.  I still lived in a world of confusion and unanswered questions. But, I awoke with peace in my heart, feeling the familiarity of hope in my soul.  And that early morning, as I stood looking in the mirror, the following thought changed my life:

"Audrey, you have done all you can do.  You have done ALL you can do.  There will always be unanswered questions.  There will always be confusion.  But. let. it. go.  Move on."

So I did.

And I have.

And I guess that's the message I'd like to share with you-my faithful readers, my complete strangers, my family members, my neighbors, my friends.  Whatever it is in your life that is pulling you down, whatever is holding you back, whatever is keeping you from rising or living or embracing the beautiful life that you have been blessed with, whatever unanswered questions you have, whatever confusion you are facing, whatever pains or burdens you may carry...IF you have done all that you can do, IF there is simply no more that you are capable of, IF you have tried with all your might and it still seems to fall short...then turn it over to the Healer, the Savior, even Jesus Christ.  He IS there for you.  He WILL carry the load.  He WILL make up the difference.  He WILL make it amount to enough. There may be times you are left with unanswered questions, with unknowns, with uncertainties, with burdens, but the sting of your broken heart can be healed.  All you must do is simply allow the atonement into your heart and turn it over to the Lord.

"The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusted in him,

and I am helped..."  

Psalm 28:7