The Lord's Will

I said I'd talk about the peace I have found and why I wasn't so distraught about the audition results. Then I shut down the computer and thought about it all night, so I guess that means I really need to post it this morning.

For the past 3 years, I have failed auditions time after time, and felt rejected in several other aspects in my life. And for the past 3 years I have taken it to heart, I was depressed after the results and frustrated with the fact that I wasn't "good enough". In fact there was a time when I literally heard the words "You're not good enough. You're not good enough" echo in my mind. I dreamt the horror of those words, I lived believing it was true and felt so helpless. (It wasn't only the auditions, but I had many, many other struggles in life with which I was feeling the same way). But singing was the only thing I felt confident in so the failures hit me pretty hard.

This past year has been different, though. 2008 has been by far the hardest year of my life. So much has happened this year that has dragged me down, hit me down, knocked me completely off my feet over and over and over again. Still, I have discovered my own abilities and what truly matters. I wasn't "failing", I was being taught. I am still learning and observing and being shaped into something far more important than that of the treasured "soloist" that I once craved to be. I am writing my own music to sing, not singing someone else's. The "competition" (not that that's what it was, but rather that's how I treated it) that I once believed was the only way to weigh my talents has become nothing to me. I'm just grateful for the opportunity to be a part of something so intensely gratifying as sharing my testimony with the world and I don't have to be a soloist to accomplish that!

In an earlier posting I explained my theory of being "good enough". Now, I want to focus on why things don't matter so much. Because, I have learned, I must understand that things happen according to the Lord's will. I cannot fight it. Doing so will only make me miserable. I must submit to Him in order to be happy. Now, I truly believe with all my heart that I am not supposed to make my auditions. If I were to, then I wouldn't grow and progress. The Lord doesn't hand me anything on a silver platter-He makes me work for everything because it makes me so much more grateful for what I do have. He has selected those who will land the auditions because they are those who will deliver the message to the youth the best and they are the ones that are needed at this point. How can I possibly battle with that? How can I possibly battle anything the Lord sees fit to give me at this point? He knows that it will make me a stronger, more charitable soul. I have grown so much more this past year throughout the struggles and pain than I would have if I had been given what I wanted. I am more confident in myself. I have more faith in the Lord and a greater understanding of Him and His plan for us. And I wouldn't trade those for anything on a silver platter.