Making Sense Out of the Lack Thereof: or something like that

I've tried to argue this entry all weekend long.  Didn't even want to write it!  But I have felt over and over and over again that it needs to be written.  That being said, I write this entry (with apprehension) for clarification to those who, including me, have questioned the timing of this album and the campaign events leading up to it. 

I have been asked, by myself as well as many others, why in the world I would pursue to create an EP, a new album, at this time in my life as opposed to another, more convenient time.  I have had concerns expressed, constructive criticisms given.  And, the majority of them have come from within myself.

The questions seem to have one underlying fact to them:  the timing doesn't make any sense.

Others have observed it.  I have observed it.  And here is my response:  It doesn't make sense whatsoever!  Therefore, I'm doing it.  The End.

Here's the background:

Earlier this year (spring, in fact), I felt very strongly that I needed to write an album of some sort.  I prayed about it.  I fasted about it.  I felt it in every tiny inch of my being.  I absolutely knew that I needed to do it and that it was right.  So, I brushed it off and put it aside and avoided it at all costs.  Why?  Because. 

Because my husband had been unemployed for over a year.  Because we've been living in less-than-ideal circumstances while in mommy and daddy's basement.  Because I'm unable to even help pay basic bills from my small paycheck.  Because between battling poverty-level income, random family medical issues, two nearly broken vehicles, and everyday wear and tear that occurs through parenting tweenagers, stress levels have been record-making sky-high while emotionally, I was lower than rock-bottom.  I told one person that if he could imagine where rock-bottom was, I was somewhere below, in the dirt and the scum, clawing and fighting my way to climb UP just to touch that spot.

Throughout this time, I stayed in close contact with my Heavenly Father and His answer was always the same: create an album and create it now.  After my millionth breakdown (this one being very unfortunately public), I had one very, very critical moment during which I told Heavenly Father that I had nothing He needed.  I had nothing to share but heartache.  But, after listening to my weeping and wailing and justifications, He repeated two simple words to my heart that He had whispered to me several times since this spring.  Those two words resonated very simply:  YOUR STORY.

So, that day, I surrendered.  I remember throwing my hands up in the air and crying (seriously. I believe the exact words I used were): "Fine, then.  I'm done fighting.  If you want this to happen, You are going to have to make it happen because I can't.  I simply, flat-out do not have anything, ANYTHING to offer other than my life, so take it and show me that You will make something out of my nothing."

And that was that.  I began writing songs.  Songs about my life, songs about my story.  Songs that inspire me to find strength and exercise trust and faith and belief.  And over the weeks, a series of priesthood blessings promised that I would not need to worry about the financial funds, that they would somehow be taken care of, that I would receive support I needed and that I would see the fruits of my labors made manifest through THESE songs and that THESE songs would bless the lives of many and that THESE songs are The Lord's work through me. 

So, now I have committed myself to humbly close my eyes to ANYTHING that might ever make any sense at all, pray my guts out over every aspect of this process and, for lack of a better term, completely walk by faith.  And, so far, I have seen miracles happen throughout the process; miracles that have brought me to tears, miracles I cannot explain therefore I do not try. 

So, here I sit with exactly what I said before:  Why am I doing this right now, when timing couldn't possibly be any worse?  

My answer remains:  Because the timing doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever and that is testimony enough that it makes sense to the The Lord. 

Because He has given me a very direct commandment, and I will obey.